When You Can’t Tell It Like It Is

Does this sound familiar? Of course. We’ve all done it, You either say something without thinking or say the wrong thing in the heat of the moment. The results are the same, sensitivities are hurt.

It doesn’t need to happen, however. There is a successful way to handle people in a difficult or emotional moment when the wrong word could spell trouble. What you need is tact. Tact is the ability to appreciate the delicacy of the situation and to do or say the kindest or most fitting thing.

To use tact effectively, you must understand one of man’s strongest urges—the need to feel significant. Here’s a common example. You’re standing in line at a busy sales counter of your favorite store. The minutes pass but the line hardly moves. You look at your watch as you grow increasingly anxious. Thoughts of all the things you have to do speed through your mind. As the customers fumble with the debit machine and the cashier waits for check approvals you decide you can wait no longer.

Then comes the cheery voice of the clerk. “I’ll be right with you, sir.” You nod and smile. Your anxiety subsides. Suddenly you don’t mind waiting. Why?

With only six words the clerk completely changed your attitude about her, the line in front of you, and about how the rest of your day would go. It cost her nothing to say them, but it could have cost the store plenty in future business from you had you become exasperated enough to leave and not return. What she did was simple. She gave you acknowledgment.

One of man’s most powerful urges is his hunger for attention, to stand out as a needed and appreciated individual in the mass of humanity. It is part of what drives men to seek high office. Almost every employee has a need to feel that he is an indispensable part of the company’s operation. Customers will go to the bank or store with the friendliest clerks where they receive personal consideration. Attention, praise, and admiration all make us feel that we are special.

We Inherently Dislike Criticism

Criticism, on the other hand, does the opposite. Disagree with what someone believes and he perceives it as a direct assault on himself. Reprove a man’s behavior or views and you may as well flog him. That’s human nature.

In his book, The Mind in the Making, James Harvey Robinson offers lucid insight into why we react as we do to criticism of our actions or beliefs:

“We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. We’re incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-importance that is threatened. The little word my is the most important one to human affairs, and properly to reckon with it is the beginning of wisdom. It has the same force whether it is my dinner, my dog and my house, or my faith, my country and my [Yahweh]. We like to continue to believe what we have been accustomed to accept as true, and the resentment aroused when doubt is cast upon any of our assumptions leads us to seek every manner of excuse for clinging to it. The result is that most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do.”

Not only do we naturally seek support for what we believe, but once challenged our knee-jerk response is to assail our challenger. Ninety­nine percent of the time no one criticizes himself for anything. A wrongdoer will blame everyone but himself for his actions. Shoplifters rationalize that the store charges too much for its merchandise anyway, so why can’t I take an item now and then?

Sharp chastisement of another nearly always ends in bitterness. It might feel good to tell someone off, but your harsh rebuke will cause a hurt that may last a lifetime. You can’t change a man’s mind by force. Arguments will only stir up anger in another person by what he perceives as an attack on him personally.

Tact By-passes Hostile Emotions

Dealing with the defense reflex we all feel when criticized or getting your point across effectively and at the same time avoiding hurt feelings requires diplomacy. Colossians 4:6 reads, “Let your conversation be always gracious, and never insipid; study how best to talk with each person you meet,” New English Bible.

Children typically fight because they lack tact. Instead of convincing a playmate to share a toy, a child will grab it from him, with an added shove for good measure. Disliking something another did, one child will call the other names. The results of both are predictable.

In similar ways adults do the same things to each other.  There are tried and true ways of tactfully dealing with others to avoid problems that could arise in tenuous circumstances.

Use of Tact is Scriptural

The Bible contains examples of how men of Yahweh used tact effectively when a single careless remark could have meant disaster. One of the most important techniques in dealing with another is first to put yourself in his place, seeing the problem from his perspective. Forget for the moment what you want. Ask yourself, knowing what I know about him, how will he react if I say this or that?

The Apostle Paul used this strategem in his ministry and found it very successful. He wrote, “I have made myself every man’s servant, to win over as many as possible. To Jews I became like a Jew, to win Jews; as they are subject to the Law of Moses, I put myself under that law to win them, although I am not myself subject to it. To win Gentiles who are outside the law, I made myself like one of them, although I am not in truth outside Yahweh’s law, being under the law of Messiah. To the weak, I became weak, to win the weak. Indeed, I have become everything in turn to men of every sort, so that in one way or another I may save some,” (1Cor. 9:19-22, NEB).

Fulfill Others’ Needs First

After you have won a person’s confidence, work on satisfying his desires. Successful salesmen understand that the secret to a good sales record is the ability to talk in terms of the other man’s desires. To sell a customer, the customer must be made to realize that he has a need to buy, a desire that must be filled.

Yelling at a small child to clean up his room may be effective, but more often than not he will do it grudgingly. Make it a contest between him and a brother or sister, however, and the toys will fly into place. What child won’t want to make a game out of work? Scolding him into doing something only diminishes his feelings of worth, whereas a contest promises a chance to prove his abilities. As he matures, he will realize the importance of conducting himself in a way that shows love for his family and Yahweh.

Farmers know that to make an animal do what you want it to do usually conflicts with what it wants to do. Singlehandedly trying to chase a herd of cattle over a bridge may be an exercise in futility. But lead them through with a wheel­barrow full of hay and both you and the animals end up satisfied.

Compliment Sincerely

One of man’s strongest needs, we have seen, is to be recognized. Therefore, before you give needed advice or suggest a change, praise the person. Everyone likes a compliment, including those who seem to be embarrassed by it. The important point to remember is be sincere in your praise. Cheap flattery is self-serving and easily recognized. The most popular people in the world are those who genuinely make us feel good and useful.

Use of praise worked effectively for Gideon.  A problem had risen in Gideon’s camp requiring great diplomacy. The men from the tribe of Ephraim were angry with him because he had not chosen them to pursue the fleeing Midianites. They were told only to hold the fords of the Jordan against the enemy.  A serious split in the ranks was brewing, born of the Ephraimites’ envy.

Notice how Gideon tactfully handled this powderkeg when he said to them, “ ‘What have I done compared to you?  Are not Ephraim’s gleanings better than the whole vintage of Abiezer?  Yahweh has delivered Oreb and Zeeb, the princes of Midian, into your hands.  What have I done compared with you?’  At these words of his, their anger died down” Judges 8:13, NEB.

By recognizing their achievements and downplaying his own, Gideon was able to appease the men of Ephraim.  He replaced their destructive feeling of jealousy with the desirable one of self-respect.

Accent the Positive

As was Gideon, always be positive in dealing with others and put yourself second.  If you are trying to show that someone is wrong, don’t come on with, “Your wrong and I’m going to prove it to you.” That’s like saying, “I’m superior and therefore have the right to change your mind.”

A better, tactful approach is to say, “This is the way I understand it.  Now, I have been wrong, so if I am wrong I want to know it and correct myself.  Let’s look at it together.” Who would reject an approach that puts your belief on the line and not his?  He’ll want to be just as open minded as you are.  Simultaneously, you are discreetly conveying the fact that error on either part must be corrected.  Focusing on only the issue, you preserve his desire for worth and keep harmful emotions from interfering.

Never Do This

In trying to convince others, there are certain approaches you must never use. Do not attack a person’s character. Never call names or condemn. Anything that communicates, “You’re stupid and you’ll never be able to understand” is an invitation for nothing more than a counter­attack. Yet, it is surprising how many people resort to some form of name calling or belittling with spouses or friends. Aside from its completely negative approach, your condemnation will switch the emphasis from reason to emotion—a surefire way to get nowhere.

What you say in a fit of anger or in sarcasm could have far­reaching consequences. You may be causing a hurt that may never completely heal, no matter how much you apologize later. You also risk damage to your own character. The Bible shows that you are what you speak. Luke 6:45 reads, “A good man produces good from the store of good within himself; and an evil man from evil within produces evil. For the words that the mouth utters come from the overflowing of the heart” NEB.

Benjamin Franklin, one of America’s most astute diplomats, said, “I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.”

Never boast. Paul maintained that he was given an affliction to keep him humble. He said, “About such a man as that I am ready to boast; but I will not boast on my own account, except of my weaknesses. If I should choose to boast, it would not be the boast of a fool, for I should be speaking truth. But I refrain, because I should not like anyone to form an estimate of me which goes beyond the evidence of his own eyes and ears,” 2Cor. 12:57, NEB.

Yahshua the Messiah had every right in the universe to flaunt the fact that He was the very Creator’s Son. But He was the most humble person ever to walk the earth. His entire ministry focused on what he could do for others. He never exalted Himself. By your passion in emulating Yahshua’s humility, you instill the same humility in others.

 Don’t Fight Ridicule with Ridicule

King Saul was being verbally attacked by the. men ‘of Belial, 1Samuel 10:27. He could have catered to the vengeful emotions he likely felt by ordering them strung up by the toes. What was his reaction? “He held his peace.”

If a discussion becomes heated, it is sometimes best to leave your thoughts unspoken. Only Satan wins in a war of words. James says in 1: 19 of his epistle, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

Yahshua knew how hopeless it would have been to try to explain who He was to Pilate. He simply stated the facts of His presence,John 18:36-37, and then was silent when Pilate pressed the issue, 19:9.

Be mindful of that well-known aphorism, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” Proverbs 15:1.

Most important, don’t seek to correct others until you have perfected yourself. The urge to condemn someone for the way he or she acts or lives is one of our worst and most common flaws. Usually we are acting on assumptions that have little or no basis in fact.

Be the first to admit a mistake and apologize. Five of the nine fruits of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5:22 deal with a personality refined to be understanding and humble: peace, long suffering, gentleness, meekness, and temperance.

Acknowledging our mistakes and changing when we are wrong is one of the most difficult of human accomplishments. But unless we are willing, how can we expect others to do the same? “Correction is grievous unto him that forsaketh the way: And he that hateth reproof shall die,” Proverbs 15:10. Be patient with others when they can’t see your point of view. Trust in Yahweh to work out your differences.

There is everything to gain by being tactful. Try it the next time you have a confrontation or feel a need to give advice. You’ll have fewer, arguments, more cooperation, and the blessings that harmony will bring in relationships with your spouse, brethren, and friends.

How to Take Criticism

At one time or another all of us will be the target of some criticism, some justified and     some not. Here are some suggestions that can help you handle criticism without alienating the other person and perhaps ruining the relationship.

Don’t listen defensively.  It isn’t your automatic responsibility to defend yourself against disapproval.  It’s never easy to take criticism objectively, but if you make an effort, you might see that the person may have made a few beneficial points.

Think independently and examine each remark on its own merit.  Don’t decide the criticism is unjustified before you hear it, and don’t decide that it is all correct. The criticizer could be wrong and so could you.

Look for the meaning behind the message.  There may be more to the person’s point than what you hear.  To understand its full scope, listen to the speaker’s voice and watch his face.

Give a tactful response. While it is easier to give criticism than it is to take it, the person offering advice probably has some anxiety about doing it, especially if he is honestly trying to be helpful.  Be aware of his feelings and thank him for his consideration.

Pray before you decide to respond.

by Alan Mansager